I’ve been so busy trying to work on other aspects of my life that me blogging again always seems to fall by the wayside. A lot of it has to do with self-censoring… but in my old age, I find that maybe I am self-censoring a hell of a lot less. I want to talk.. I want to write. I’ve come full circle in some ways when I think about it. I was mentioning the other day that I live a very singular life. Don’t really talk to many people at the level that I’d like to because they frankly cannot handle it. I’ve been rebuffed, shunned, admonished, and a bunch of other really snazzy scrabble words. On so many levels, it just made me quiet. But I never found much satisfaction writing in a private journal. I rather just let it go to 1’s and 0’s and the devil may have you. Life is life. Life is life. Life is short. My only concern is that I am noticing that I am starting to become quite numb. I’m here. But things aren’t registering as deeply with me as they once did. I think you get to a point where you go through so much hell, that the daily burn just takes on the importance of a gnat.
Anyway, my other little business venture has finally gone live. PLEASE, for the love of god, CHECK IT OUT.
It’s cool… no really. And for the love of god, please go BUY A T-SHIRT, cause that is gonna help me when I roll around part III of this 18 month plan.
I had fun getting that Aces website together, so now I’d like to do something with this one. Again its hard… I’m slowly becoming a public figure again, yet I also want to write divisive, in your face, commentary that probably isn’t really revolutionary to original, but hey, I think I’m pretty cool. I rediscovered my creativity and maybe my voice again. Its not that I was ever afraid of my voice, it was more that think I got hoarse shouting into a canyon. Then I got shot… and other allegories.. I love to speak in allegories… remember way back when? Remember when I used to write, write, write… and sometimes it was blunt and brazen, and other times, I wrote fables full of descriptors and allegories to explain a feeling, a concept, a moment?
I miss writing.
And I miss me. Or rather the public me. Again, I took a mortal wound to the psyche… I didn’t think I’d ever come back. Look, they finally have slain the demi-god… she has fallen. She will never rise again.
Guess they (and I) got that wrong. Here I am… older, wiser (?) and maybe infinitely more dangerous now because of it. I mention again that I am just feeling more and more numb. It means that I will take more risk. Perhaps the soul finally died and the corpse just speaks from memories of who I once was. Maybe its evolution. Maybe it can’t be explained and just is. And maybe I really am that emo, goth, douche bag I occasionally am called.
But I want to write again… and so I shall. I just have to be better about keeping the weird stuff here, and the fitness/professional stuff on the other websites. But it’s not like my brain lacks for shit to say… I what I lack is an audience to listen. So again, I throw this to the wilds of the Internet for it to bite me in the ass again, probably when I need a job.
And so it goes.