Hurtful and Hateful.
Today, this morning, I feel rough. It’s been a hellish two weeks with the cumulation of it being Friday. My father is dying. I had to to carry him from his home to down to my car and take him to the hospital on Friday. He’s a heavy man. Dead weight that is dying. He wanted to sit as I did it. Begged me to allow him to sit for a moment and I said “NO. I got you. You will get to the car. I got you.” And I got him to the car and I got him to the hospital. My mom was in the back seat. Fucking cubs game with the usual fuckards that are around during it. I ended up driving on the sidewalk and the wrong way down a one way seat. I didn’t give a fuck. I made those cubby bastards scatter so I could get my dad to the hospital. I dared anyone, even the cops to stop me on Friday. I was on a mission. I made a commitment and when I say something is going to happen, I make it happen. Keep this in mind later, this point will be important.
I get him to the hosptial. I go in and ask for a stretcher or wheelchair, something. Some little millennial/genZ idiot tells me to “wait a moment” while she is helping someone else. Look, you stupid little twat, if I am coming to the ER asking for that, I am not waiting for you to check someone in who is walking!!! She finally got me the fucking chair. I get my father in it, my mother behind me and I am pushing my father into the ER, the stupid twat asking me if we were together and can’t all go in. No, fuck you, this is an emergency. I ignored her as did my mother. I got my father into the ER and then when I saw my mother had it with the nurse for a moment, turned so I could move my car. I do that, come back in and they wouldn’t let me back in to see my father. My father who is dying, my mother who is tiny and frail as a feather and 80 years old. And they say I can’t go in. I explained that they are elderly and that right now I am the adult. And they blocked me. The secondary little GenZ/Millenial cunt had the nerve to tell me to “Check my attitude.”
Yes, she dared to go there with me at that moment, in the ER, when she sees tears streaked on my face and I just carried my father into the ER.
And I lost it. I finally lost every shred of me trying to be the better person in this life, for the first time in my life, I finally decided “I’m done.”
And I ripped her ass a new one. For the first time in my life, in a non-personal setting, I called someone a “Bitch.” I told her I could have any fucking attitude I want right now because I just dragged my dying father into the hospital, you’re choosing not to help me, you’re making me abandon my parents and I cannot get in contact with them because they do not have cell phones. So you can check yourself, bitch.
I don’t regret it. Not one bit. I guess it does feel good to be an uncaring asshole in this world like the majority of people.
Now I know I have no close friends. I even know that the majority of people who read my stuff, when they choose to read it, hate watch me. They want to see me give up, fail, burn, whatever.
Let me tell you this right now- the ONLY person who is going to take me out in this world is ME. Y’all are not as good as me, not as smart as me, and certainly not a strong as me. So enjoy the show but know this: I’ll be tap dancing on your grave long before you’ll get to laugh at mine.
Anyway, so on social media, I said something about what was going on. TWO. TWO people commented to me to express condolences or acknowledge me. NO ONE ELSE HAS SAID A WORD TO ME. And that is so fucking telling because I know I reach out to people when I see them hurting.
When I was alone in front of the hospital and crying my eyes out because they wouldn’t let me talk to my moms to tell her that I wasn’t abandoning her, they wouldn’t let me in, NOBODY on the street stopped me for a moment and asked me if I was alright.
Americans are SHIT PEOPLE. In Thailand, I know for a fact, someone would have stopped me and asked me if I was okay because every time I was sick or sad in Thailand, a Thai always said something to me. One went so far as to make me soup and a smoothie when I was really ill and I didn’t ask her to… she just came by my door and gave it to me because she knew I was unwell.
So while you’re arguing over socialism, capitalism, right, left, whatever…. You’re doing a bunch of lip service but in truth, you’re vile people because you won’t stop for one fucking moment to ask someone, “Are you okay?” And that’s more important that your stupid political ideology. And it didn’t used to be like that here. Even if we we’re a bunch of racist, siloed, fucks, you did ask your neighbor if they were okay for the most part. And maybe this is an age thing because the truth is that the youth is so much more involved with their “identity” and “safe spaces” that they don’t shut the fuck up and listen with their hearts. We are all fucking PEOPLE and you’re focused on the wrong fucking thing. IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU. IT HAS NEVER EVER BEEN ABOUT YOU. ITS ABOUT THE PERSON NEXT TO YOU. LITERALLY NEXT TO YOU.
It’s called “compassion” and what totally hit me this weekend it a lot of people want to talk about it and act like they have it because they social justice some bullshit by holding a sign or tweeting but the moment they have to DO SOMETHING, if they aren’t getting some clout for it, they’re fakes and liars and can’t be bothered. And that makes me hateful and hurtful.
And I said as much this weekend. I said I was done being kind and nice.
But I am a fucking liar. I am a liar and I can’t be trusted because I was made a certain way, and yesterday, my “hateful and hurtful” became the usual “Tek saves the day when nobody else will”.
I went to the UPS store yesterday to pick up a package. As I walk in, there is a dreadful commotion of screaming between an elderly Korean lady and the UPS clerk. The line is backed up. She’s crying and screaming, the UPS guy is saying he can’t help her, go to another store and everyone else is standing around uncomfortable. The Korean lady says “but my daughter sent to you at 2 PM and you say ready by 2:30, now you say 24 hours”. And basically the UPS guy tells her to to another store. And this woman is so distraught. People in line are telling her to get it tomorrow or go to another store. It’s 5PM now. So I jumped in “What is going on, what do you need?”. And she shows me her phone. It’s a print out that she doesn’t have COVID. She needed it to get on her flight to Korea at 9AM. She’s in tears because she’s not computer savvy, she just needs it printed and the UPS guy honestly couldn’t be arsed to make other people wait to figure it out… and honestly, he should have. I see this and I say to her “Look, I live 5 mins away. Come with me. We’ll go to my house and I will print it out for you.” And her eyes were so thankful. She says “Really, you do that for me? Really?” “Yes, of course, it’s only 15 mins out of my day, you need this before the morning, its not a bother. I will help you. Let’s go.” And she leaves the store with me and calls her daughter who is in Korea and tells her to email the paperwork to me. Her daughter sends it to me and is so thankful. I get to my house, print out the paperwork and drive the lady to her home. The lady is crying in the car the whole time because she is so happy someone stopped to help her. When she gets out the car, she tries to pay me but c’mon… seriously? What I did is what people ARE SUPPOSED TO DO. She kept bowing profusely as I left which was kind of funny to me, but when we’re stressed we revert to how we grew up and I knew that is just how it is in Korea.
And when I drove away, I started to cry. Again. Because I said I wasn’t going to be nice anymore, but it’s what I do, because its the right thing to do, because as bad as I get treated, as much abuse as I have had to endure, as much I try to kill off compassion, I can’t stand idly by if a small word or action can made things better for someone. In this case, it was just listening for 3 mins to figure out that if I printed out something for someone, their day would be better and they would stop worrying and know that someone in this world heard them when nobody was listening.
I don’t know what I am going to do moving forward. I have my social media to connect to people but clearly (and I know this), I have no value to my fellow man. I care more than you do. Still I feel the need to speak… so I think keep in mind that this is one way communication. Perhaps I should turn comments off. I have thought about ditching my twitter, starting a new one under a new name and just not telling anyone about it at all. But maybe the answer is just to produce and close off feedback because there will be none. I expect too much out of people- I expect them to be decent and that’s been my biggest mistake all along.
For the people who have helped in life, I am well aware of you and everything I have said doesn’t apply to you here. You know I appreciate you, and I have said as much. I have never been one to mince my words or be fake. Not ever and not once. But I have expected more out of the rest of you and you disappoint me. This time its not a sad disappointment. I am not sad for myself but I am disgusted with you. Do better. I don’t need to do better because I am a gem among shit in comparison and that the truth.
Fuck off or stick around for all I care. I’m still gonna do what I need to do. When I say I am going to do something, I get it done. When I say I will be there for you, I will be there for you- not just when it is cool for me to do so. The people in my life continue to let me down, abandon me, and be the weakest link.
And this is the most empowered I’ve felt in years. I don’t regret a single word that I’ve typed here. You people suck.
Do better better with your life. And treat others better because you lot are failing miserably.