I think too much.
I think too much- at least when it comes to this blogging thing. I always say I am going to come back, do one or two posts then disappear.
Well, I am going to try to stick with it- it’s not that I don’t have anything to say anymore- y’all know me- I’m rarely strapped for words. More its the self- editing that I do because I know how nobody can really “hide” on the Internet anymore. I have to self-filter due to working in corporate because god forbid someone takes offense to the fact I said “fuck”, don’t give a shit about drugs or prostitution, have a lot of tattoos, and I beat up people for fun and relaxation.
But I’ve always, always, always missed my old website. You know TEKWHORE.NET. Funny thing is that for a while there, I couldn’t have that domain anymore, but now, I actually think it would be okay. The Millenials, for the most part, are more forgiving of that kind of shit. The problem is Tekwh0re was someone I was when I was 20’s, early 30’s. I’m not that age anymore. I don’t look my age but I mostly chalk that up to amazing genes and trying to stay current and not stuck a decade or two in the past. It’s like when I Neo in Chicago was still around and some of the people in there looked so bad because you know nothing about them changed since the 80’s- not their clothing, not their makeup, not even their worldview. Shit is aging if you don’t actually allow yourself to age. In that vein, I’m no longer that chick who would post photos of myself in my bra just to get people to read my politics and world takes. And man, I wish I still had that youth, I appreciate the things I know now. I have to allow myself to take that place in the “elder” pantheon because nobody gets to be nubile and fresh forever.
And honestly, only my vanity is what hurts about getting gray. That is really the only thing that upsets me. My vanity and the fact that people like to count me out because they see a number and make an assumption.
But I’m Tek. I got a little gray but I can still beat you within an inch of your life with my tongue (don’t get it twisted, boys) or with my muscles. I still ride the motorcycles, I still love the expensive black lace lingerie and frankly, becoming QUEEN, suits me.
I almost feel that I began to struggle more when I had to give up this outlet of self-expression. When I had to- not exactly hide, I can’t hide for shit- but had to dim the lights so to speak. All of that in the name of money and to remain palatable to the lowest common denominator. Guess what- I never make any more money by being bland. I regret now that I ever listened to that because I never “made it” in corporate land. I can do corporate and I can do it quite well, but fuck, I just don’t like to play that game.
And so here we are. Has it been 15+ years since I wrote anything really raw or meaningful about myself, or the world, or anything online except in snarky snippets on Twitter? No wonder I feel so bad sometimes- I psychically constipated keeping. it. all. in.
So I a going to try very hard to change this. So very hard. I promised to blog my travels. I promised to do videos, I promised and promised and promised and did not deliver and I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry to you and I am sorry to me. So let’s try to move on.
I am not entirely sure everything I will be doing moving forward if anything more than trying to revive this personal medium of a written blog. I entertain video, podcasting and occasionally I stream to twitch when gaming. I never did this really for a following, I just liked to speak my mind and didn’t care who listened. It was cathartic for me. But if I do podcasting or Twitch, etc, no feedback is kinda no fun. Still, I am back at the starting line again. I know some of you missed me. Hopefully, you’ll stick around for a bit and I’ll get comfortable again. I know I was once a great writer even if it was very different from how I wrote. That’s why you once loved me- I wrote from the heart and I just poured the words out as they are. The truth is that when I’m not speaking in allegory or descriptors or the occasional hyperbole, I’m really speaking as I speak inside or to my close friends (well I don’t really have friends but people who are not corporate people- I speak like myself to them and not that bullshit vanilla pudding banal banter).
So pardon the website as I try to figure this shit out again. But I keep saying that “perfection is the enemy of done” and if I don’t just start writing and keep waiting for everything to be set up to be perfect then I won’t start writing again. This website is a work in progress just as I am a work in progress – which goes back to the fact that I’m always right about everything… see paragraph 3. If it’s not constantly evolving then it’s dying. And if you don’t believe me, go ask a dinosaur. 😉
Love or something