If it no longer brings you joy or serves a purpose, let it go.
Someone asked me the other day if I felt like talking to people yet.
Let me answer that for you:
Now that we’ve cleared that up, thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.
No, really… It’s nice having the shoe on the other foot for once in my life. Not that anyone really notices or cares that I’m the one that’s not paying attention anymore. But I’ve been doing some long needed cleaning- not with Twitter as I have logged off that and am not checking it and do not give a fuck but the ONE social media thing that I do sorta follow daily is Instagram and the past day has been a mute and unfollow fest on my part. I don’t care about MMA/Muay Thai or BJJ anymore. Unfollow/mute accounts. I mute the account if the person is okay but I just don’t give a shit about their posts. Unfollow if I’ve never really interacted with them, don’t give a shit about their posts. I used to read everything, care about everyone. If I use my rules, then my Instagram really is nothing but celebrities’ that I find mildly interesting or art/music/style accounts. I have maybe, two people on there that I consider friends, but I don’t want to talk to them right now so its a moot point. Everyone else doesn’t know me and I don’t know them. I like the photos, that’s it.
I think this proves that I am 99.9% done with martial arts. I don’t want to be around people, interact with people, deal with people. I will make content because it makes me happy but people aren’t worth the time and trouble. Also, I was reminded this morning that the fact I stayed single was the best thing ever. Yet again I see another relationship go to hate and violence and I am just here like “man, I dodged a bullet and my better angles knew what was best for me, even if it hurt me at the time.” My loves destroyed me inside and love never did anything good for me but cause me immense pain. People have done NOTHING for me but cause me immense pain. And that last shred of wishing I had someone to talk to or share with is now also gone. Like I knew few years ago that love had left me. I like people but the concept of love is gone to me now. It’s a temporary madness that either leaves you with scars or obligations that ultimately you pretend are great and wanted but are always wistfully looking at the other person’s back yard. I have never lusted after someone else’s relationship and as I get older I find it stranger and stranger the desire to co-habitate and want to share one’s personal space. I realize that I am much happier just playing my video games, talking to people in discord who play the games and being cordial to people in the street but otherwise, I relish being alone and just staying away from everyone.
I do miss the day long friendships I make when I travel though… the ones that last over one night of beers, or one day on dive boat. I’m okay with people so long as I know I don’t need to ever see them again after 24 hours. No expectations of care or loyalty are in temporary alliances. I prefer that. And I prefer being alone in my own bed honestly… even back when I did the sex thing, I never liked the cuddle part… I just wanted people to leave.
I was made this way. I didn’t exactly choose it. I think back when someone I loved who I hadn’t seen in a long time gave me a hug and I stayed stiff. He expected me to melt into him and be all “yes, yes, yes” but I deep down knew… I knew… and I was right. He abandoned me in the hotel the very next day. I had flown there to see him. More folly me. And that’s wasn’t the first or only time that happened to me with different people. So maybe I am an unlikable asshole. So be it.
I finally accepted that the world sees me and treats me as shit. Always has. But now? I finally just don’t care. Fuck you too. 🙂
If it no longer serves a purpose, let it go. I’m willing to let the world go. It was never worth the effort I put into it to begin with.
That being said, I hope I get to travel again soon. I’m kinda not feeling Antarctica anymore though as I really don’t want to be stuck on a boat in a room with three other people for three weeks. I just don’t. If I could have my own room, that’s different but I won’t. I may just cancel it and lose the deposit. It’s a once in a lifetime trip, but I just cannot deal with people for that long in my personal space. I mean I am already looking at the ship layout to figure out where I might hide and sleep under a stairway or something… which they won’t let me, of course, but I don’t want to be around people 24 /7. I can’t handle being fake that long.
I really want to move to Japan or Thailand or somewhere that I don’t speak the language and have to walk around all day to do stuff. I would be happier there because if I don’t speak the language, it makes it easier to stay aloof from everything but not bored.