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I’m not sure what I want to do…

I know people don’t read my stuff anymore. As far as the world is concerned, I am “irrelevant”. That does hurt but it is what it is. That’s also why I vacillate between wanting to post things and just not posting anything at all. I have never been one to look at old photos of mine… very rarely do I do it. I take the photos to share with others, but I don’t need to have a memory of what I’ve seen because I’ve seen it and it always stays “up here” (points to noggin). I actually have no photographs in my house of anyone besides a chick who I think has the perfect physique that I saw on Instagram once that I printed out back when I used to care. There are pictures of my mother and my father but I don’t look at them. My whole life, for the most part, I try to live in the present and not revisit the past. Very few things in the past are good and what is good is gone and I can’t go back so I try to remain forever in the present or the future. So when I was documenting my travels it was more for you, than for me. But there isn’t you anymore. You abandoned me a very long time ago. Or the truth is that you never really were there. So I am at an impasse, to be honest.

I bring this up because God(dess) willing, I’m off to Mexico next month for Cave Diving and then off to Antarctica in 2023. I was thinking “Should I keep dive stuff on a dive blog and regular travel stuff here?” Then I was like “Why bother at all? Who gives a shit besides you and you’re not going to re-read what you wrote- you rarely do.” So I am not sure what to do. Making content requires time and effort and yes, I do it for myself, but I did use to enjoy some of the interactions I got. I get nothing out of anything these days so it’s really hard to make an effort to care. Many times I come to this site here and am about to type and I just stop because I think “nobody gives a fuck, Tek.” So I don’t even write on my own blog.

Shit is so incredibly boring now. I’m bored of myself, to be honest. I’m just so over everything. Time is going fast for me now, but not fast enough. I just am ticking off days until I die, basically. I have only one request- not to die in pain or fear, otherwise, please let’s get on with this pointless shit. I’m sick of it.

I kinda don’t even know why I am going cave diving next month or to Antarctica anymore. It doesn’t matter. And I may not even be able to go- I’ll know that in the next two weeks… it’s looking like everything is getting worse again.

In the meantime, I was driving yesterday and I realized that I just don’t have it in ME to listen or care anymore. I’ve got my own problems and the problems I am listening to aren’t even fucking problems. Like I know that to us, our own problems are important- I won’t deny that- but I’m listening to shit and in the back of my mind, I keep thinking about how ultimately I’m going to end up homeless under an underpass somewhere, sick and not dying fast enough. I won’t get into it but it’s going to happen and there isn’t anything I can do about that- I’ve been trying but the math just doesn’t ever add up. So yeah, I have a much bigger problem to deal with and nobody I can talk to about it. What else is new, eh? But I don’t feel like being nice or understanding anymore. I can’t pretend to care about your shit anymore. I used to care and it did nothing for me but cause me more grief. In the meantime, I’m still struggling with my struggles. So yeah, I am tapped out of fucks to give. I used to give you everything I had and some I didn’t because it was the right thing to do and I cared. Franky, my dear, I don’t give a damn (anymore).

So I’m not sure what I want to do. And for the record, I don’t want to die in the cave- I’m not trying to do that. That would be a horrible death- death by drowning. Remember, the requirements were without fear or pain and that would be pretty scary and painful so don’t at me, (even though there is nobody to at me).

I’m staring at the diving blog and the podcast website and Empire and Aces and I’m just thinking maybe I should delete it all. Everything I did was pointless in the end- nobody really cared but me.

Everything I tried to do for others and for myself was a big fat fucking waste of time.

So tonight, I am not sure what I want to do. I was packing up my camera and my lights for next month’s trip, and I’m thinking “Why? save the baggage fees.”

I do not know what I want to do but I’m leaning more towards “nothing”. Everything inside of me is dead and gone. I gave you what I had and you just spit in my face.

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Suzyanne

I have tried to do interact with you again, but you seem to be ignoring me. I enjoy your dive blog. Maybe someday we can reconnect

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