So where is the podcast?
Nobody liked it/was listening so it dropped to the bottom of my list of things I needed to do. I am still interested in doing a Podcast/YouTube thing but work has been crazy and as far as social media is concerned, I am well and truly aware that nobody cares about what I have to say anymore. My world gets ever darker and ever more quiet. I’m not terribly happy about this but it’s true, you cannot relive the past and I have become it seems:
So I guess I go back to just the catharsis that writing used to bring me. I keep trying to find it… but part of it truly was because I might run into an interesting conversation. Truth is that nobody wants to speak to single, middle aged women, no matter how cool they still really are.
It does make me wonder though- if we ever make it through this god awful pandemic and I get to travel again, do I even bother blogging about it anymore? I wanted to make movies and I supposed I can do them for myself just for the exercise of doing it but maybe secretly I was hoping to make some new friends? I realize every day that I am suffering more than usual just because I don’t really have anyone to talk to that I can remotely relate to. I also know that I am nearly unrelatable. My old friends send me stuff about their kids- that’s always a hard one for me since I care more about their dogs and cats than I do their kids. I actually don’t care about anyone’s kids. They can’t understand this though- how could someone possibly not give a shit about their kids. Uh… I’m single and unmarried and I don’t date and have never really shown an interest in doing those things. That’s how you usually end up with kids so why the fuck, if I don’t have kids, do you think I am interested in yours? I assure you, I don’t care. You don’t care about my moaning about not being able to go box or jump on a plane? That’s how I feel about your kids/spouse (but not about your dog… your dog will always be interesting to me.).
This quarantine is killing my soul. This president is killing my soul. EVERYTHING is killing my soul. I’m beyond frustrated. What’s worse is that my family is long lived- I know I have AT LEAST 40 more years of this decline in life. I have moments and I am just like “What the fuck? What the fuck? This is boring ass shit!”
I would kill to lift weights, punch a heavy bag. I would kill to go to a gym that was actually happy to have me. I would have my mind blown to have a conversation with someone who gets this, who gets me. I also just want to be left the fuck alone. Where I live, everyone hangs out on the decks constantly. I want to be outside too… just not around them. These people always want to talk to me. I don’t want to talk to them.
When I was younger, I was an extrovert. I wouldn’t say that I’m an introvert now but I have become extremely selective in who I want to talk to. At the same time, I think my biggest issue in life is that I have NOBODY to talk to. I never have, really. I have friends, but they don’t get me, or my life or why I even do the things I do. They can’t relate. Ever since I can remember I have just wanted one person in this world I could actually speak to, I mean really speak to. Ever since I was a kid. I always wanted a best friend. I never had one.
I had to learn the hard way- not everyone gets a best friend, not everyone finds someone they can be in love with. Some people just are supposed to do what they need to do until they take their last breath. That their current life is a life of service and nothing more and nothing less. That doesn’t meant it doesn’t bother you. There are just times when it’s frustrating.
I wouldn’t say that I am lonely. I am supposed to always be movement and in transition. My time and words are just fleeting chapters in other people’s lives. I don’t matter much as a person, but what I say occasionally does and that lingers more than who I am as a person. And I think that’s actually more important- that an idea stays to help or change someone for the better, more than having that person around. Just sometimes I want to sit and whispers my truths to more than just the stars or ocean.
I spend a lot of time by myself. I’ve had more more stories in my life than most people ever get. Most people know nothing about me in reality.
I’m everything and nothing at the same time.
I think there might still be a few more stories and adventures left. But as usual, only I will bear witness to them.
I have done much but only I remember.