A few things to unpack here:
FINAL FANTASY XVI IS BETTER THAN WOW EVER WAS.
I finished Endwalker. No spoilers here… I do think it was a bit overly long- I think that FF does have a pacing issue… but they wanted to cram as much in to finish up the this I think 12 year story so I guess I get it. There were two parts in this game that were absolutely epic and I loved it. I will say that never did I actually feel like a “hero” or “champion” in World of Warcraft even though supposedly I was one. If FF XVI, I definitely had times where I felt like everyone’s little bitch HOWEVER, there was some MEGA EPIC moments which just made me feel good… Like I really was the hero. The story is definitely superior to WoW once you get past the first story of the game, A Realm Reborn which I won’t lie, is boring and long and ugh… but then it gets much, much, much better. Final Fantasy is an MMO however it is definitely story driven game. You can’t be anything but a really good person in the game and that did get in my craw a little bit as I prefer to play darker characters in my games, where sometimes I do shady shit and play classes that delve in the dark arts for the greater good- or evil… Depending on my mood that day, lol. Baldur’s Gate III I think will scratch that itch for me… when it gets fully released, if ever. Still, I enjoyed Final Fantasy. I played a tank in there and I didn’t think the dungeons were hard- I think it is definitely and easier game to play than WoW, but everything else about that game is far superior. The game I believe end to end is also a lot longer that World of Warcraft. Unlike WoW, its not as grindy and its easy to go a few days, weeks, whatever and not feel like you are missing out. At this point, I’m taking a break since I finished the story and feel like getting a little dirty again. The aforementioned Baldur’s Gate III I have played through the early access and really don’t want to play again until the full release so time to find something else to play around with for a bit… maybe… but I might not have the time…
I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO DO.
I am going to keep blogging and I am going to start really blogging my dive trips. Nobody cares (except three of you, okay… I heard you loud and clear and I am not trying to dismiss you or your feelings- When I say “no one” I mean “only three”. 😉 :p ) but I will do it anyway. I also really want to figure out a way to get EMPIRE & ACES up.. I have a gym bag that I really want to have made and produced so I can sell it but that requires an investment of money as well as some way to promote it. Add COVID into the mix and I am not sure that a gym bag is going to sell. And the truth is the bag I kind of want to make two versions of- once specifically for the gym and another like all a rounder. I am not sure… So many ideas, so little, time, money, help, etc. As far as IT’S COMPLICATED, I really don’t know. That is actually also a time constraint thing. Basically, if I get no money or feedback out of it, I kind of don’t want to do it because I don’t have that much time. Just like anyone else, I want to feel appreciated and if there is no interaction, there is no payoff for me because I don’t make money off it either. I mean I could just sit on my couch for the hours it takes me to do that and fart and pick my nose and end up in the same place. Its a struggle sometimes to care when the malaise around me is fucking real. Still, I may make an effort in the new year. When it comes to the dive trips, I do need some help. I really want to know how to get better with my camera, especially before I get to Antarctica. And I really need to figure out how to make some money on the side since the next three years are going to be hell which leads me to this next point that you won’t like”
I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR SUCCESS OR PROBLEMS ANYMORE IF YOU ARE WHITE.
There, I said it. I went to grad school. I have better and more varied experience. You’re making more money than me and are where I once worked to try to get to. I did everything right. It’ not being jealous, its about being sick of the unfairness of it all. I stopped doing the grind because I couldn’t win it, not with the education, experience OR connections. And the only time I ever got a half-in somewhere was when I was younger and hot because guys would tell me they would let me have an opportunity in their company or whatever, then it would be the 3 AM text message, “what color panties are you wearing?” or “business dinners” that ended up with a dude trying to hand feed me (TRUE FUCKING STORY). Meanwhile, I’m hearing about all the money you make and your senior positions in companies, and I am sitting here with almost $260K of student loan debt for a masters degree that I thought would help but clearly, nobody gives a fuck about. I know now when I was hired for the color of my skin only but was never on track to be promoted but hired for a quota or hired because of a dissemination lawsuit against the company the previous year before my hiring (ANOTHER TRUE FUCKING STORY). So I am done with it. Good for you, you’re having a great life. I don’t want to hear about it anymore. So I am shutting that shit down. Its not good for my mental health. If you are a person of color, I TOTALLY want to hear about your success because it’s different. If this sounds racist of me, I don’t give a shit. I’ll show you my resume, I’ll show you my company that I tried to start, I’ll show you my presentation decks, and I’ll show you that stupid piece of paper that I thought would get me accepted that didn’t. So spare me your success stories unless you are a POC because you worked with loaded dice and that is a fucking fact. It’s not jealousy, it’s anger because it isn’t fair- esp. when I know my background and qualifications.
And I feel the need to say this because someone I know is going to be all butthurt and call me racist or some shit- I do not hate or dislike white people. But they do have it easier than non-white people. And they certainly have it easier than a female, non-white person. I have said it once, and I’ll say it again and this goes for everyone, no matter what color or gender they are- there comes a moment that you just get exhausted from everything. You just get sick of hearing about it. The deck is not stacked fairly and that’s a fact. It just took me years to realize it because I was in denial about America.
This is the last time I am going to say it out loud like this. But its also why…
I NEED TO MOVE OUT OF THE UNITED STATES WITHIN FOUR YEARS.
I get treated better in every non-western country (Mexico is a western country but I get treated better there as well… ). I stress because I know if I don’t get this sorted out, its only going to get worse as I get older and I’m running out of time to find my out. It’s why I really need one of my side hustles to actually pay off- so I can expatriate myself from this country and actually begin to THRIVE for the last few years of my life. Every time I spend months at a time out of this country, I just feel better. It’s so unhealthy here. And I have read a shit ton of blogs from other people of color about how much better they felt when they left the United States. They sell you a lie here… that the US is better than any other country in the world. It’s isn’t. You have to go out of here and really find out for yourself. Every country has it’s ups and its downs. I want to feel GOOD. I don’t feel GOOD here- mentally, emotionally or physically. This place is awful. I want to move more than anything else. I want a nice place in Thailand or Bali or even Mexico where I can still have good internet and AC and Water, but I can give up Whole Foods and delivery and driving a car and 10000001 things to watch on TV. I’m easy- give me great Internet, a mega kick ass computer, AC, clean water, feeling safe to walk alone at night and no bugs in my house and I’m happy. I want to walk to a restaurant to eat. I want my private outdoor space so I can read a book or listen to music and chill without listing to your annoying kids or having to be neighborly and speak to you if I don’t want to. I want to be left alone to create and work on my passions and not get into the drama with work or with other people. I just want to be alone and be myself. I want this for myself:
Or this (she gets it!!)
I really, really, really want to work but for myself, on my terms. I have more to say when it comes to working but that will come in another post because it was an epiphany as I was sitting in my car last week. But that’s a post for another time.
(the truth is I will never be able to move out of the US or be happy because I am stuck in the wheel now and I can’t get the break I need to walk away and start over… It’s not fair but it is what it is.. unless I could get one of my personal businesses to take off, I’m fucked. And I’ve been trying to get a business to take off for almost 20 years now. I suck.)
Anyway, I need to get back to making my house ready for my trip to Mexico next month and getting “TEK DIVES” put together. I’ll put my travels on here, don’t worry, but I might put the more technical/nerdy stuff about diving on my other website. I have a fuck ton of websites… lol.
Finally, think very carefully before you respond to this post if you feel the need to… I suggest you think twice before contacting me if you have something to say. I like discourse but on this one, I’m warning you in advance that say the wrong thing to me, an I will rip you a new asshole.