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Man, I forgot just HOW GOOD early Placebo is. I think their first five albums are amazing and the last two are utter shit. I feel the same way about Radiohead though. I much prefer their earlier stuff to their more space-electro jam band stuff. I’m not sure if I’ve posted this recently but if I did, don’t care, listen to it again:

Which interesting side note: My type was always the “Alternative” guys. My tastes changed in my 30’s and I started to like the guys who worked out. But now I think they are all proud boys so my tasts have gravitated back to what they were… problem is that when you are 45, there are no more “alternative guys” anymore. There are nothing but dudes with babies, wives, beer bellies, or ex-wives that they want to tell you are bitches and just are boring as FUCK. If I didn’t think men akin to peanuts to me (I am allergic to peanuts), I’d be shit out of luck anyway. But yeah, when I was younger, Brian Moloko, David Gahan… skinny, heroin looking, eruo-trash was my jam. I wouldn’t want a heroin addict but my best (and that’s not saying much, honestly, believe me) relationships were my ones with Europeans. The Scots and Irish and Germans I dated. The Americans were way worse… way, way, worse. The Americans were the ones who made me feel bad about my appearance and would say vile, vile, vile things to me and be abusive. The Euros just broke my heart. (Side note- the Thais thought I was ugly, too dark-skinned and looked like a man- but they were after me because they thought I was an ATM. Sad but true.) Yeah, I don’t need that drama and abuse in my life… lol. No wonder I think men are like peanuts and make me sick. :p

But enough of that.

Not that anyone noticed or cares but I am on social media break. Twitter really is just a toxic place and I needed out. Problem is that if it wasn’t for Twitter, even though people hardly interact with me, I’d get zero non-work-related interaction at all. As anti-social as I am, sometimes I do like a bit of banter and conversation. I’m sure I’ll be back by the end of this week but it’s been nice. I’ve definitely gotten more done since I dropped off. I’ll still keep going on Instagram- I like the pictures- and unfortunately, I can’t drop Facebook because that’s all the Thais and Mexicans will message me on. But yeah, its been nice- I’ve said this many times before- I preferred the times of blogging and forums to the shit we get these days. There has always been toxicity on the Internet but now it just seems so much more…extra. I kinda want to put a forum up on here just to talk about sci-fi, gaming, and politics… but it is not fun talking to myself. :*( I’ll still continue to do the podcast as I have time- and I actually want to add a second one but I need to get the time… but more on that below.

In other sad news, I realize that I’ve lost three friends. Not sure what I did or how but it happened. I really, really, liked these people so it really hurts me. But at this point in my life, I’m used to being abandoned by people so I was upset about it on Friday and by Saturday, I could tell that I already moved on. I know that seems trite, but I mentioned a while back that I feel like I leveled up… or maybe I just accepted middle/old age. People are like seasons- they have a time in your life and then they are gone. The snow that is falling on the ground today is supposed to be there and has a purpose, but in a few days to a few weeks, it will be gone. And that’s just life. Yes, you get less friends as you get older- and people like me even more so since we walk to our own beat and honestly live but a very different set of rules and reality and that’s okay. But as I said, whereas I am not lonely, I sure would like the occasional Friday nights on my couch just talking about something or learning how to play Dungeons and Dragons (it wasn’t allowed when I was growing up as “being of the devil” so I have never, ever, played and I always wanted to).

No more sad and negative from here on out in this post… promise. Now for some good. 🙂

First off, I love snow storms and though today is not as good as some of the storms I’ve seen, It has an acceptable amount of snow sticking to the trees and that I have always found charming.

Unlike for others, COVID has been good for me besides the loss of fitness. I didn’t lose my job… matter of fact I went from a really shit job to a better one. For the first time ever in my life, I feel financially stable (but ask me again in 4 weeks- I need to see if the IRS is going to wipe me out). I didn’t even feel stable at my last job. It was a toxic environment with horrible, bitter, insecure women who cared more about if one used proper punctuation than if anyone was doing any real good for the business and pushing it forward. It just got to be too much and I left. ) I seem to have a string of jobs much like the men I have dated… abusive and not good for me. Oh the Irony!) I wasn’t feeling too positive about this current gig when I started- it was a job. But wow- in some ways, it is like what happened to me when I showed up after Hurricane Katrina and I just blossomed and kicked some fucking ass by pushing things forward. Well, that’s how I feel where I landed. I can’t go into details- NDA and things like that but I walked into somewhere that really needed someone like me. So far everyone really likes me (except one person but they aren’t even a moon orbiting a planet orbiting my star right now.) and I am doing some real good and pushing things forward. I’m allowed to speak my mind without worrying about some insecure bitch trying to find a way to sabotage me in the background because I’m just better. Now mind you, things are not all pancakes and morning sex… I put in A LOT of hours. A LOT. I have A LOT of responsibility- more than what I was hired to do. Not everyone is “happiness, joy, and light” to work with. But for the first time in FOREVER, I feel like I am allowed to contribute, I’m important and I am valuable. But even more importantly:

I’ve done tangible good for some people who work there. I’ve helped them become more successful and some other stuff that I don’t want to type. That feels so much more better than all the money in the world- to know and see that I made a difference in someone’s life. And yes, I am just like the snow- I’ll only be here for a while and leave my mark and it will be time to move on.

Because ultimately, life is about enjoying the moment, enjoying the memories but then moving on. You will never ever recreate that one sunset you saw with a loved one that one day. Not fucking ever. And it’s okay to want that and wish it, but to hunt it will only make you miserable in the end. There are other sunsets. The hardest fucking thing in the world is to let go.

The hardest fucking thing in the world is to let go.

Which kind of brings me to the summary of everything I am trying to relay in this particular missive. I’m not perfect (pretty close to it, but I have like, ONE flaw. 😉 ). And as good as I am at moving on, I haven’t been as good at it as I thought I was. But somewhere, something happened. Maybe I grew up. Maybe I leveled up. Maybe I transcended. I dunno but the fact I find it easier to just leave people if they want to exit my life. The fact that some motherfucker who is trying to make a go at me in the corporate arena I can flick like an ant. The fact that I am willing to say “okay, I enjoyed that time, and I missed it, but it’s time to move on to another chapter”, it all just feels so much different than it even did a month ago. I’ve always been really good at evolving and remaining fresh but I feel like I’ve just taken that to another level. I learned to finally, really, and truly let go, and let a new reality move in. In that vein, besides letting people just exit out of my life, I’ve accepted that my life right now is just really busy, I have some real importance and I don’t fucking have any time (lmao). I accepted having to spend some money to regain some of my time for things I love and are important to me (such as blogging, vlogging, fitness, and just being more creative). This weekend has been lush because I didn’t worry about food prep, I didn’t worry about my laundry, I didn’t worry about cleaning the house. I have someone to do that for me now and when my life changes and I can’t afford that, then I know how to do more with less because that’s what I’ve been dealing with for so motherfucking long. I’ve had time to start reorganizing my house. I had time to write this shit. I’ve listened to music that I’ve loved instead of just having electronic music constantly drone in the background. I took a Muay Thai lesson and I’ve been soft interviewing trainers to replaced my beloved one who fucked off because I guess he needed to. He will be missed, but whatever, as I said, move on. It’s time to grow in new ways with new people. I’m back to planning tattoos that I want to get and will actually fucking do (once we can travel again- I really want a Japanese tattoo from an artist in Japan… and if you think that is “cultural appropriation”, you can eat my dirty ass after I poop). I think I might want to pick up my guitar again that I never learned to play. I really want to start playing/singing music again because it was always my first love but I just let it go. There is so much coming up for me and I’m here for it. I’m 100% present and ready to kick more ass.

I know that travel is still going to be restricted for me for at least another year- I need my jab and the quarantine to be over but I am already prep-ing for when I can let loose my gloriousness on the world again. I still want to see if I can buy a property in Mexico and put it on Airbnb. I still want to revisit some of my old haunts (Thailand) and discover new ones (South America and the Philippines). I was really turned off Europe but lately, I’ve been missing Scotland a lot… a lot. But also feel like visiting the Swiss Alps and learning how to snowboard. I also have never been to Italy so I kinda should do that as well.

I promise to share it all with you as it happens. And I promise that for as long as someone is cooking and washing my dirty panties 1)1.I realized as I typed this, instead of paying someone to wash my dirty underwear, I need to get that OnlyFans page up and running, featuring the bunion on my right big toe. You have no idea but there are some dudes who think that is REALLY, REALLY hot and would probably pay me hundreds for my used panties. As they say, “a fool and his money…”. I will spend more time writing. I feel more like “Tekwh0re” than I have in a long time. The thing is that I never, ever, ever be “Tekwh0re” again… I’m not a hot twenty-something with hot bra photos and even hotter political takes. But that doesn’t make “Tek” any less valuable. I’m still here and I’m still “doing it”. I hope someday I find a niche that actually appreciates me but until then-

I’ll do what I want. (But then again, what else is new?)

I hope you have a great Sunday. I suspect there WILL be a podcast tonight- I’m making good progress on getting my dining room reorganized and cleaned up though I do need a trip to Ikea in the next few weeks to replace some things that are broken. If I get it mostly done, there WILL be a podcast. If there isn’t a podcast tonight, it means the room is still a disorganized mess. Anyway, to those I love, I send my love. To those I hate, you’re less than nothing; die in a fire.

What can I say, I’m still Tek. Kiss my ass. 🙂

Needless Footnotes, Asides and References[+]

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Ah, young youth (I got you by 4 years :p) you are reaching higher planes of wisdom. I was just explaining to my son that one thing I appreciate about this age is a better understanding of whitespace. (He inserted the obligatory woke-joke there, unprompted).

But yeah, I think I’ve recently (over the last few years) attained a much better understanding of time, space, opportunity, and effort. And it’s a lot like what you describe. At this age, I have a very crisp view of my agenda, abilities, strengths and weaknesses, and a much better perception of the people and opportunities around me. It makes everything more efficient, not only physically, but financially and even emotionally – having a clear perspective on your snow, for example…its impact on you and the city, and its lifespan. That makes one more able to fully enjoy and anticipate the time before, during, and after that snowfall. And even know when to bust our asses for shit, or wig the fuck out over shit, and when to shrug and stroll away is a life art.

Even though at this age we all have fears (and realities) of waning physical capabilities, I’m almost over that too. COVID has been a great time for me to learn how to work out at home, how to cook more often and better. With the right habits and a little luck, there’s a TON of cool, active shit we’ll still be able to do – and do well – for 10-15 more years. And hopefully, with better whateveryouwannacallit – mental, emotional, spiritual balance, we’re gonna squeeze all the fucking juice out of all the rest of our years.

Kudos to you. It sounds like you’re in a great place.

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