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So yeah, Hi.

Its been quite the week or so. My father is out of the hospital. Discharged. I don’t want to get into it. He’s not a nice person. He was nice when he was dying but now that he’s better, he’s kinda worse than he was before he went in. He’s thankful to me because he knows I saved his life last week- but he also said something to me yesterday that was just… woah. It was the first time I looked at him and wondered if his brain is now rotting more than ever because it was just.. not good. I wanted to leave him at the hospital when he said it and not take him home- I would have been in my rights to do so but… yeah. I always do the right thing. Always. When DON’T I do the right thing?

Its been just a huge clusterfuck for over a month now. Not going to lie, the last week I didn’t have time to shower or clean the house.. just trying to help dad, mom, work, have moments trying to numb my brain from it all. Today I finally showered and washed my hair and it feels glorious. Didn’t get around to cleaning my apartment up though… one thing at a time. There is only me. Just me. Always only me. That being said, I took a moment to get my eyebrows done which I probably haven’t done in over eight months. Makes a huge difference. I think I will get my nails done this week. I just feel like trying to take care of myself better. I have let some things slide just for the fact that since I know that nobody gives a shit about me, I’ve kind of stopped giving a shit about some things- but that’s really not okay. I should do it for myself- that’s what I tell others to do so I need to follow my own advice. I may not be young and beautiful anymore but I do matter to myself because if I also stop caring about myself too, what’s the point? So I splurged on some hair perfume today because it looked interesting, bought some candles, bought some Korean skincare shit. Bought some fat clothes (I need to get that under control- I have more time now but I also don’t). I’m so detached from everything because it is the end of the cool part of life. I have nothing really to look forward to or that I must do, so I find it hard to care about anything but I know that I must try.

I will hopefully start to stream again this week. The new computer is done sans a new video card. If I can clean up the apartment some and get a little bit of time to do me stuff, I think I can start streaming my games again on Friday.

I feel so numb. Well… sad numb. I am so bored of it all, I wish it would just be over. I pray to god I don’t live much past my parents. I am so over this. Even though nobody cares about me, watching everyone else is just so tiring and I honestly can’t be bothered. But what can you do? I’m not rich to own an island so I just sit here watching the clock time out, tapping my foot, wishing it would go faster.

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Christopher Lane

I’m not saying you are, (I’m certainly not your doctor, I’m not even A doctor…) but I know for me, my anxiety and depression have gotten harder to deal with over the last 18 months. It’s felt like the world has just gone to shit, and there is nothing any of us can do about it at all. You do matter.
Take care of yourself.

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