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The Luxury of Can’t.

I have been suffering from depression. I think it’s borderline chronic. Again, no I don’t need to see a professional- the problem is “other people” and I’ve gone over this a million times before over the years on my social media. Beating a dead, rotting horse brings me no pleasure, so I won’t do it. Still, over the last week, I realized that I need help because I am deep in it.

And the ONLY PERSON who will help me is well, me.

There are a few things I identified that do not help.. a few of these things I think are getting better so maybe I can pull out of my tailspin.

  • Whatever weird sick that has been going on affected my ablity to wear contact lenses. I don’t wear them so I can’t really see most the time as I don’t like to wear my glasses in the house so I walk around in a fog not realizing that the fog is also making me “muted/tired/lethargic”. I don’t know why I cannot stand to wear my glasses in the house, but I feel about my glasses much the same way I feel about pants and a bra in my apartment- I shouldn’t be wearing them.
  • My ankle not getting better and looking like an old person’s elephant foot (you know what I am talking about). I asked the doctor and she said ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Yeah, fuck you too, bitch.
  • Because of my ankle, I can’t do the cardio I like which means I get fatter and fatter.
  • Because I can’t see and I feel down, I don’t go outside and sit at my comptuer all day which also makes me fatter and fatter
  • Fatter and fatter is no beuno and doesn’t help my depression
  • The shit I read online and observe in the world makes me want to gas everyone for being selfish, stupid, dumbfucks who don’t deserve this earth.
  • No, I don’t feel even slightly bad for saying this. Bad people make bad things worse.
  • We are in the age of bad as fuck and I don’t mean like this. I mean like this.
  • I wasn’t feeling well physically on top of it all.*

Anyway, all of that has been just a bit too much to manage along with shit with my parents and I totally started to shut down even to myself and I saw that this past week. I kinda woke up and was like “woman, you’re just at the point of no return. You gotta get it together and now or there is no getting it back. Not ever.”

However, just saying that to yourself is easy and who the fuck cares if you aren’t going to put some effort into it. Words are bullshit and meaningless. Action is everything… and my god, everything around me is a literal mess. Me, my personal life… the only thing NOT a mess is my professional life which is going amazingly well for once in my life. No complaints (knock on wood). The HARD part is what am I going to do to take control again. Well first off, let’s list what is getting better:

  • My weird “sickness” seems to slowly be getting better. I took a turn for the worse last week but I also stopped taking my thyroid meds becasue frankly I forgot/couldn’t be arsed to care. That’s a self defeating action if ever there was one. Who is being the shithead now? (I’ll answer that for you: me.)
  • My eyes seem to have stopped gumming up as much as they used to. I’m going to try to start wearing contact lenses again. Matter of fact I just put some in and I feel infinately better with my place in the world. I NEVER liked wearing my glasses my whole life. But when I was having to throw out contact lenses after one wearing, or not even being able to wear them all day, it got stupid (and expensive). We’re going to see where we are no starting today since some things seems to have been getting better in the minutia.
  • Work isn’t stressing me the fuck out. Honestly, I haven’t had this long of a period of things being okay for I can remember. Ever since I left that one job about a year ago that was toxic as fuck, things have been remarkably okay. This is the one thing I do like about COVID: employers, for the most part, in what I do, have been acting less shitty and I think that’s because I’m more valualbe than their job is right now. Honeslty, I would love five straight years of not having to stress out about work. Mind you, that doesn’t mean that I don’t have stressful days- but its not because of interpersonal problems right now. Right now, things are good. My employeer is hands off me and I feel respected by the team. And I DON’T HAVE TO GO INTO THE SHITTY OFFICE. I PRAY this stays in place next year because its been so good for me to 100% not have to deal with people.

So I am going to try to build back this week by small steps every day because I cannot handle everything at once… (which also is making me depressed because usually, I can). Years and years of psychic damage have taken their toll on me finally and I just don’t have the emotional fortitude to deal with it all anymore and since I have nobody really there for me*, it’s really starting to fall apart around me and I just cannot allow that to continue. My boat is springing leaks all over and I am trying my best to fix them all but where I usually could keep up, I just can’t anymore… but I don’t get the luxury of can’t.

Side note: I really miss having male friends. I always liked them more than my female ones. They all got married, had kids, whatever… so now I have none. And more specifically, I have ZERO friends into what I am into. Like it would be nice to have one friend who likes the gym, video games, extreme adventures, and the dark side of life. I might find someone who likes games, but then they are a Trump supporter (same for BJJ and combat sports, actually). I know nobody who likes diving as I do to the extreme- mind you, I still love ocean diving and want to do more, but I find I like caving better just because I don’t like the saltwater as much (yeah, Antarctica is going to be great for you then, Tek. Water is saltier and full of more whale piss down there)

I’ve lost sight of how to be my better self and that’s bad. It’s definitely a consequence of the world finally beating me the fuck down but this isn’t like me to let it. And that also gets me down- because I’m better than this and I am not living up to my own expectations of myself.

But man, crawling back from the abyss is hard, yo.

So, small steps and having to understand but more importantly, remember that they are fucking hard. They were hard back when I did it and they will be hard now and there is no getting around hard. So the discipline and consistency need to return and I have to understand that I am going to go through much worse before it gets marginally better and marginally better is actually the best it’s ever gonna get… which is still better than bad. Got that?

Anyway, yeah. So there it is. Come at me… I still will tear you a new asshole if you try. I may be sad but I still have my claws and I am still dying to really use them on someone. Maybe that’s my biggest regret- nobody ever got so out of line that me attempting to murder them would have been legal in the eyes of the law. Sometimes I think that’s why the Thais really wouldn’t let me fight. They could see it in me that I wanted to fight. My old coach did. I still have regrets because I probably would have baptized myself in blood and felt finally released to get out all that anger in me but… I also am glad I still have a brain and not scrambled eggs up there. At least as far as I know- I took some bad hits in my time training, I really did. I’m looking at you nameless gym in Milwaukee.

My next post will be more upbeat. I’m planning another trip to cave dive in Mexico in January. 10 days of cave diving. I am hoping I feel well enough/strong enough to be able to do 2x dives per day. I had backed off it because a typical cave dive can be 90 mins to three hours. I’d been feeling so poorly that one long-ass dive per day was enough for me. I want my money’s worth this next trip. I’m also going to be training a little bit for my dive trip to Antarctica when I go (yeah, Mexico training for Antarctica… I’ll explain later). Time for me to get my badass back.

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