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To the Bitter End.

One of my favorite songs by Placebo which I will link at the bottom but also the title of this post.

So the bad thing that I sad was going to happen has come upon me. The reckoning I knew was coming is here. It’s looking like Antarctica is off the table among everything else. For all intents and purposes, I am poor again and worse. I need to figure out how to supplement my income, but I’ve been needing to figure that out for a while, if I had, I wouldn’t have ever met the reckoning… but here I am. All I can do is what I always do:

Fight. To the bitter end.

I’m sad- heartbroken even… I did my best to fix everything but ran out of time. I needed six more months but alas, I didn’t get it. And here I am.

One thing I have learned through all of this is that we don’t ever really own ourselves when we are born. The moment we are born, we are owned. There is no such thing really as freedom. The thing is that the chains that bind us are so wrapped up in things we have conditioned ourselves as being “normal” when they really aren’t. It’s especially that way in the US… I would say that the US and communist China have far more in common than people realize when it comes to how people are beholding to a system that is stacked against the moment they breathe. I wish I had seen this when I was younger, I wish I had been smarter but I wasn’t. Even if I had been smart though, I still never was free. So maybe the fact I got to enjoy myself a little be and be the village idiot for a while about the system is a little bit of kindness. It’s torture for me now.

Anyway, I’m not sitting here just feeling sorry for myself. Even when I feel sorry for myself, I’m always trying to figure something out, even if it is futile. Right now, I desperately need two things to work out, and maybe, just maybe, I’ll get out of this mess in a year but it’s not looking good. The economy is starting to look like it’s going to take a dump and the job market is already slowing down… this is really, really bad for what I need to do. I can only hope, and pray, and wish that what I need to work out, works out.

All I want is my freedom. I’ve paid my dues for so long now, that I really just want to fade away and go do my thing, somewhere else. As I said I gave up on my career and other hopes long ago. I’m just trying to break even so I can go a different direction where nothing matters at all for the last half of my life.

I hope I pray, I wish that my hail mary pass works out… It’s the only way to reload my gun at this point so I can keep fighting.

I admit that I have lost a lot of my aggression over the past few years. I feel like a lot has been happening to me and I am not happening to everyone else. I’ve been so emotionally and mentally exhausted. This world tires me the fuck out. HOWEVER…

I know that I need to change this narrative. It’s not who I am – or at least not who I was. But how do I make it better? Is there any way at all I can make… all of this better?

As usual, I will try my best…

…until the bitter end.

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